Hear-See: the story of people who do more than usual of both

Please review-and any suggestions as to a title are more than welcome by me, idk what Angel thinks about that.... Anyway, this will be continued...

........

I sat down behind a stack of books, scanning-and quite literally so-the first pages of each in my unique way, without opening them. I made a bundle buying and re-selling many books on e-bay, brand new, yet well-read. How I did that was a secret no other seventeen year old female-aside from myself-knew.

I was doing a biology report on the Electric Eel, an animal which I had a deep connection to. Literally.

I had suspected for years what doctors called a mysterious "non-malignant lesion" that lay parallel to my spine between my lungs was truly the organs of the Electric Eel. Or something like that. How? Well, I knew it was there, first, there'd been all this fuss about cat-scans and worries about some serious tumor/artierrio-venous malformation when I was about nine when the anomaly had appeared on a chest x-ray. How did I know? Well, that tied back into not needing to open books in order to read them.

The thing was, I saw through things, the like classical x-ray vision superpower from cartoons. I was granted this ability due to a highly charged gaze. Electric heat-energy was transmitted to my eyes from the 'anomaly', so to speak.

I was almost definitely part Electric Eel, but there was no one to ask for confirmation. It's not exactly something you go around talking about, though, unless you want people to think you're schizophrenic. I had X-Ray Vision, or what I called xrav, for short. Pronounced ex-zay-grahv. This fact had wreaked havoc upon any hopes of having a normal childhood.

My parents thought I was autistic, and OCD. Fact: I didn't maintain eye-contact very often because I always ended up looking down the optic nerve into the brain's prefrontal lobes, sometimes out the back of the person's skull, at the wall behind them, etc...

My eyes had jet-black irises, which I hypothesized helped them to focus light. Although, I had never asked anyone about that assumption-who'd believe me? I'd always somehow know it wasn't, uh, normal...to see everything I saw.

I got up and stretched my legs, dismayed to see the time on my wristwatch- 9:30 already! I'd be late for French III, and Madame Borduoe was never too enthusiastic to have tardy students. Thus I fell into a brisk jog, utilizing my xrav to see if anyone was around the corner. It worked until someone came from the area where I wasn't trying to look-behind. Something smacked into the small of my back, and I pitched face-forwards onto the unforgiving hardwood floor.

"UH! Watch where you're going!" I hissed. Another sound of dismay passed my lips as the late bell sounded. Late. Again.

"What was that?"

As I pulled myself from the carpet like a cobra from the dirt, I saw a girl about my age looking down at me. She had short blond hair which was cropped in the kind of chic, shiny bob I couldn't seem to accomplish.

"What was that?" she asked. Her turquoise eyes seemed to glow; as a slight twitch of a muscle in her cheeks indicated tension; almost a mischievous look. Something was going on. In the midst of this, I over-focused, my eyes going to the right slightly. What I got of her ear astonished me: she had no cochlea.

"Whoa, I mean, sorry...I didn't know you're...hearing impaired..."

"How do you know that...?" she looked puzzled, and a flash of another smirk played on her thin lips.

Oh, Queen of Quick Explanations, where are you? I frowned awkwardly, my eyes twitching nervously, I scanned her person for some sort of a hint. Bingo!

"Your medical bracelet," I said.

"Uh, don't think so. I have on long sleeves. How did you know I have one on? How. Did. You. Know?"

Her voice dropped half an octave in pitch.

"I-I just told you, your bracelet..." I trailed off hopelessly.

"You didn't see it." Her eyes glimmered in a way that made me shiver, and a strange I-know-something-you-don't-know kind of grin played havoc on her high cheekbones, twisting her perfect face with a most unbecoming expression.

"You didn't see it," she tried again after my silence.

Boy, are you tenacious. But I'm not telling....I laughed inwardly, taking my sweet time. Late is late is late. A few minutes doesn't make any difference. I thought wryly.

A long, awkward silence followed as she pinned me with her glowing blue-green eyes. Although I didn't see how she could know it was silent. Slowly, Deliberately, I picked up all six of my electric eels books, stacking them perfectly.

"I'm leaving now," I said dryly, over-enunciating each syllable so that she could lip-read my words with ease. But then, she'd known I'd spoken without seeing my lips move, when I was face down to the floor... She had no cochlea, and no cochlear implant, which would render anyone deaf... so how did she hear me...?

"I'm not stopping you," she said, sounding hurt. If she was deaf, how did she know to put the inflections of pitch and tone in her voice?

I felt a nagging sensation, like a fly that is just determined to get up you nose, but this was...mental. Like a younger sibling whining-then I made out the vague, transparent impressions of a voice:

Will you just tell me? Please!

"Did you just...."I peered back up at the pesky stranger, startled. She had spoken. the words were in her voice, but somehow not aloud... I zoomed in on her skull, doing a double-take of her ears. The first glance had gleaned enough info to tell me the truth: she was indeed deaf. the nerves and bones necessary for sound transmission were missing. There was no way on Earth that she could know I had spoken, save for seeing my lips move. Nursing an absurd assumption, I zoomed way off, into one of the strangest sight stages I had: energy detection. I could detect electrical fields. Coming from her body was a very strong signal indeed. She had a sort of vibe that seemed to attract the magnetic particles of the fields my xrav generated. Strange indeed.

Then there it was again; the nagging, the begging presence.

"Will you stop!" My words rang out, sharp, harsh.

Thoroughly irritated, I utilized another quality of my electrically powered gaze: focusing. I zoomed in on her rib cage, between the shoulder and the bottom of the bra, preferably to either side so as not to be on top of the heart... I clearly saw blood cells and skin cells. As atoms came into view, I drew off as quickly as I could, snapping my gaze away, retracting into normal human vision.

The effects were as spectacular as ever. She bent over double, clutching the left side of her rib cage; obviously in pain. It felt about like catching a left hook from Muhamed Ali; full brunt. I remembered well the day I 'd discovered this ability: I'd been exploring the wonders of sub-atomic particles, when I'd zoomed in too fast on my leg. Had that ever stung....

Zapping was a trick reserved for occasions such as this. I really shouldn't have, though. This girl hadn't been hurting me....not in a way I could prove or rationalize, anyway.

I'm sorry, I thought miserably, wondering whether I was woman enough to say it aloud. It turned out I didn't need to...

[i]Yah. Good grief! You should be glad I don't possess you right now![i]

Did that mean she could do mind control too?!

My blood ran cold, and I did a quick check on her heart rate, perspiration and breathing.

Once the results were in, I sighed, thinking: according to the knowledge I have on stress signs, I say you're just yanking my chain.

According to my knowledge of stress signs that legal polygraphs used to convict criminals, she was telling a lie, indicated by the sudden spike in intake of oxygen, pulse, and sweat.

[i]Alright. I guess the charade's up on that one. I'm not so strong a telepath that I can, per se, use mind control. But I do hear...thoughts. Your thoughts. It's not like I hear everything-mostly just stuff people plan to say. Things they're fairly open about. Secrets, like how you're determined not to tell me how you knew I'm deaf, I don't hear. You've built this mental wall between us. But I promise, I swear, you can tell me. You realize, I just spilled the beans about my own, uh, power, shall I say? I have the sort of feeling you can-see-inside..please, JUST TELL ME![i]

Alright, I thought. But let's go verbal. This is kind of, no, really extremely weird.

She beckoned me towards the elevators, sending some sort of a thought regarding how we'd be in complete privacy there. Instantly, I recoiled, realizing the lead content of the elevator doors made them impervious to my xrav. The thought of being completely confined with this powerful stranger gave me the chills. Although I didn't know if there was a reason to be afraid, the whole concept her telepathic capabilities was freaking me out. Big time.

Reluctant but compliant, I stepped into the elevator car, taking in a sharp breath as the doors sealed off the outside world.

"Okay, we're alone. So tell me!" She was tenacious.

"I have organs in my body that produce electricity, similarly to the electric eel's. It's routed to through a nerve highway to my eyes, which I use to focus it like low-grade radiation in an x-ray machine. I see through stuff at will, basically. I saw you didn't have a cochlea, and no hearing aide implants, so you're deaf." I hardly dare to believe how much I was risking in murmuring those scant words.

"WOW! So you're-I'm not the only, like, powered person--" she gushed.

"Uhm," I grunted lamely.

"N-no. No. I didn't mean to freak you out or whatever. No. You're not happy..." she frowned.

Yeah, I thought, like, you'd be freaked too...I don't even know who you are. What happened next was even more disturbing: she picked up on my vibes instantly!

"I'm Gina Haydens, since you have to know. And you are:"

"I'm Illiya Thromsoe--" I trailed off, feeling her...[i]probe[i]...my mind. It was so strange, so alien a sensation, I flinched. Both physically and mentally.

"Sorry. So sorry. I just, I do this thought listen all the time, really, but I never can talk to people. Telepathically, I mean. If I did, it would be so, I don't know...weird. But I-I just, oh, I don't know..." Gina trailed off, and my own power, I weaned from her muscle tension and body language that she was upset.

As was I. The awkwardness would soon fade completely, for I'd reached my max on the grossed out scale.

.........

I'm too tired to type the rest tonight, but this is it, so far. :D

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Clo
Review
Clo wrote a review · Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:30 am

Hey Foxy Voxy. =D

I sat down behind a stack of books, reading the first pages of each in my unique way. (without turning the pages, much less opening them) I made bought and re-sold many books on e-bay, brand new, yet well-read. How I did that was my secret...

- For an introduction, this is rather weak, mainly because it is very tell-y (cursed show and tell literary advice - feel free to be frustrated with me! :) ). There's something not interesting when a story starts in a way where, "I did this, she did this, he did this/setting". Try to delve deeper into these actions - how is she doing them, what descriptive devices can you use while writing them, and how can you describe them in a way that will allow the images to unfold in the readers mind without you having to directly tell us? Tricky business, I know, but worthwhile for an introduction.
- The parenthesis is incorrectly punctuated, "each in my unique way (without turning the pages, much less opening them)." Although, I think you should refrain from using parentheses in the introduction, as I always though it was a habit desired to be used rarely in short fiction, as it makes the writing seem less focused and concise.
- Commas. "I made, bough, and re-sold many books on eBay"

I had suspected for years what doctors called a mysterious "non-malignant lesion" that lay parallel to my spine between my lungs was truly the organs of the Electric Eel

Ooh, now we're getting very interesting. How did those get there?! Ha.

Or something like that. How? Well, I knew it was there, A) there'd been all this fuss about cat-scans and worries about some serious tumor/artierrio-venous malformation when I was about nine when the anomaly had appeared on a chest x-ray. B) how did I know? Well, that tied back into not needing to open books in order to read them.

Aw, the writing had been going so well, and here you get sort of disorganized again.
- "Well, I knew it was there." Knew IT? You say organs, so it made me think there were several things to be referenced, as it was plural. Also, this should NOT end in a comma, as it is not an effective transition into the A/B format.
- Also, as for the A/B listing, I really don't care for it. I would much like to see something involving "first" and "second", i.e, "First to consider, there'd been all this fuss about cat-scans..."

The thing was, I saw through things, from energy transmitted to my eyes from the 'anomaly', so to speak. I was almost definitely part Electric Eel, but there was non one to ask for confirmation.

I don't think you explain the "energy transmitted to my eyes" thing well enough. I can see that this gives the character a power of some sorts, but I'm not sure what it is, or how it works, and I'm totally intrigued. Satisfy your reader! If you're going to start a sentence like this and get me hooked, then give me more description of the cool anomaly.

I had X-Ray Vision, or what I called xrav, for short. (pronounced ex-zay-grav)

Parentheses again here: "for short (pronouned ex-zay-grav)." The punctuation goes after the parentheses.

My parents thought I was autistic, OCD, and besides. Fact: I don't maintain eye-contact very often because I always ended up looking down the optic nerve into the brain's prefrontal lobes, sometimes out the back of the person's skull, at the wall behind them, etc...

- That list at the beginning shouldn't end in "besides". Besides what? Not sure what you mean.
- "I always end up looking down". This change is because you use the present tense with "I don't maintain". If you had said, "I didn't maintain", then "ended up" would have been fine, but as you already started the sentence with a present tense verb, then this is necessary.

As I pulled myself from the carpet like a cobra from the dirt,

Cool imagery!

Oh, Queen of Quick Explanations, where are you? I frowned awkwardly, my eyes twitching nervously, I scanned her person for some sort of a hint...bingo!

Hehe! Love that first bit. Also, common ellipses look very amateurish in writing, so try to cut some of them own. Here, for instance, I think you will do better with a simple period. "some sort of hint. Bingo!"

then I made out the vague, transparent impressions of a voice: Will you just tell me? Please!

I don't like the underlining you use here. I understand you're trying to show it come from a different source, but I think italics would suit you better, and put it in it's own paragraph.

Aw, you know what... I was way into your story, and very intrigued by your concept you had going, but at the end you get much too scattered to the point where I have no idea what's going on! And that's very disappointing, because I like the concept a lot, and I want to know what's going on.

I think your problem at the end of this part lies in these areas:

- Your method for diversifying the language. You have the main character's thoughts, her thoughts, and dialogue, and it gets very confusing how you have it all jumbled up together. You need to make it more clear who is speaking, or thinking.

- Explanation. You explain things at the beginning of the story, but toward the end you stop. Like this part, for instance:
Once the results were in, I sighed, thinking: Polygraph Illiya says you're just yanking my chain.
According to my knowledge of stress signs that legal polygraphs used to convict criminals, she was telling a lie.


I simply don't know what you mean by that, as the words are foreign to me. As a reader, this alienates me and pushes me away from your story. So try to explain what this means when you use concepts like this, in attempts not to lose the reader through strange language.

Another instance is when she says she can possess him/her. What does possess mean, exactly? That seems like it can be a variety of different things, and I'm not sure how YOU mean it.

Also, speaking of that, I also have no clue what gender your main character is. :)

Like I said before, I totally love your concept. I think it's clever and interesting, and your style of writing is entertaining as well. It was just toward the end, I began to get very lost, and it was a very sad thing.

I hope I've been helpful. PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo



I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
— Orson Welles